I often find myself feeling strangely separated from the world, from people. Not that I think of myself as being different or better but just at loss, lonely. I feel I have lost parts of me I can never regain, loved ones that’s hold pieces of my soul and because they have passed so have parts of me. Parts I can never reach, parts I don’t even know how to describe. Loss is a funny thing, one can be happy and at peace but still not ever fully be who they once were. A broken heart may mend but a broken soul can only grow and change and morph into an entirely different thing.
I long for nature and art, and the beauty in the pain, mending the hearts and speaking love back into a world that has broken me and I ask myself how is this that I feel such an intense need to love when I can never truly love or even understand. I crave being someone who ascends the material of this world, the regular, the norms, but I am a slave to them as well always feeling the scrutiny of others and striving to please those judgmental minds which condemn me. So I find myself stuck more times than not just trying to be, to live a life that is filled with substance and knowledge and growth. To maintain a balance that allows me to follow my heart.
Many times I open my mouth with the best intentions and I offend, without even realizing I have. But from this I grow, I change, I evolve, I try, I learn.
Why is it I feel so separated but yet so connected, why is it I can reach out and touch so many hearts or be brought to tears by the simplest reminders that there is love and decency in this world. That there are a great many people that feel disconnected as I do. Why are we constantly fighting what we feel is right, what we are told is right? Why do the ones we love sometimes create the biggest barriers to our success, because it is not the success they dreamt for us. Why is it we can question everything but at the same time be able to stop, still every thing and know what is right but yet we fight it.
There are so many questions that float through my head on a daily basis, thoughts that take me away from the now moments but make me appreciate them even more. Oh the irony of that statement, of that truth.
Every day I wake knowing how truly privileged I am to be alive, how so many times over I should have not been but for some reason I am. I am here, with all of my questions and my thoughts and my never ending quest to understand and learn, I am here. I go about my day and I do what I feel is right, I listen to my heart, to my gut, and I over analyze. But I am here! As my days turn to nights I ask myself “What did I do that I will regret, what didn’t I do that I will regret, and if I die tonight am I okay with that life?”. I find that often times I have stumbled, I have not always been able to make the proper amends, or fix the things I need to but I find that I can wake the next day and fight a war that seems to be imaginary to so many, that so many have forgotten because they are not gay, they are above that, they know better, it isn’t a real threat, they are complacent. Not that I am not often guilty of this myself.
But I ask then if this is my purpose, if this is my calling how do I go about doing what needs to be done to change this mind set. One can follow their heart all they choose but in this world money speaks louder than most any voice and if money is what speaks then what calling have I got without enough to initiate the change this world so desperately needs. The answer I find may baffle you or it may enlighten you to something greater
I know certain things that are absolutes
It takes all of us
We are all very different and that is needed for the task
A group of passionate individuals with a mind set to change this world can do that
Knowledge is the most powerful tool we have but arrogance is knowledge’s bitter sibling and we must not visit with it
If we decide to rise above by becoming informed, by then taking that knowledge to the people and spreading it, and by deciding to be the difference we so desperately crave and passing that on we are the ones who ascend and become the change this world needs, it just takes one
If one at a time we chose to do this, to go into the world questioning instead of knowing we could do this and so this is my challenge to you, can you be that? Can you take this challenge on? Can you be the difference in the world that you crave? Whether your fight is poverty, tragedy, illness, desire,or ignorance can you become a part of a movement that can sweep this country and enlighten the people of this world? Can you choose to be the difference?